so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
