your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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