OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
