did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
