if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
