I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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