Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize