As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
