Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
