dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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