I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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