I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
