just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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