I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
