he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
