On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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