i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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