Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
