He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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