im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
This is not my ceiling
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
