I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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