I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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