Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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