I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
