I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
