And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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