My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
