Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
