my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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