Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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