its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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