can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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