Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
