This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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