I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
