a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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