I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
