my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
