Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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