I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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