worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
