So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
