Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
