I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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