Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
