My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
