I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
