Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize