I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
