If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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