Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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