I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i have herpe
just one?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
