Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
