The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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