my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize