I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
