Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
