If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
