But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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