I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize