I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
