Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
