This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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