as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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